Today I did things I no longer do as a mother, but something I used to always do as a young mother. I packed up the kids during a snow storm and headed to the mall. But before I did that, I loaded up my stroller (lately I usually only bust that out on vacations or runs). As I unloaded my children from the van into their stroller and walked in the mall. I had flashbacks of the old me. The younger, eager mother I once was. I had just had Briton when I got this little seat attachment. I was excited, I had three kids, all under the age of three. And I knew I was going to get pregnant again soon, or at least I had hoped I would.

Fast-forward 4 years, my oldest is now 7! I have had my 4th child who is approaching his second birthday this spring. I am not as eager for the future because the future means babies growing up instead of meeting new ones.

I sat in my car after our mall experience, listened to their lullabies and looked at my rearview mirror at all of their eyelashes fluttering off to sleep. I cried! And I don’t cry. At least anymore.

Lately, I have put guards up, I’ve felt defensive, confused, and maybe like I need to move on from Birdalamode.com and put this chapter to bed. But tonight I felt close to the young mother I used to be just a few years prior and I remembered what Birdalamode.com stood for, stands for and why I love it with all my heart.

You see Birdalamode.com documented the best years of my life. I met my children on here. I discovered who I was , who my friends are , and the importance of family. I have made income, friends, and mistakes. But its life. To me Birdalamode.com is a living thing. There is a person, a family, a story, history behind this platform. And I want it part of my life forever in one way or another.

Recently I have said goodbye to a HUGE chapter in my life, breastfeeding and my hormones have made me super sensitive, in a positive way. I went through an excited moment and now I just feel overly grateful for what I have and created as I watch them sleep. Whether I bear more children or if that is now a phase of life behind me I will always hold on to the young mother I was and I will always cherish those babies and the young girl who shaped me into the person I am today.