We don’t leave for spring break till later this week bc the hotel I’ve been dreaming! at staying in was completely booked out for the majority of this week. So we are eventually going it’s just happening towards the end of this week and I cannot wait!!!!!! So I have time to discuss what I tried to say a couple of days ago.
A couple of days ago I got a message request to write about heartbreak pre Dallin. I asked on ig stories if I should go through with it. And the messages came flooding in a solid YES!
So I try, I honestly gave it a good shot. But here’s the deal. I HATE looking back! So much that when I do I have MAJOR anxiety. I even pulled a podcast bc it asked about the pre Dallin Shannon. I even pulled my instastories etc. It’s like I become an entirely different person. I remember when I first started my blog someone had written horrible things about me and my past (a gaslighted* version) on a public forum and it crushed! me. I took lipstick and wrote “YOU WIN” on my mirror and wanted to quit.
Spring Break has started for us and we originally were going to go where I have always wanted to move and raise my family. The place where I nannied my cute nieces and the place where the rug got pulled from underneath me, the single most destructive thing that’s happened to me all due to a breakup. My life was unexpectedly turned upside down and there was even a time I wanted/tried to end my precious life. I have in my head if I return to this place I can return to being my old self, the pre-me. And that’s why my husband has “therapy sessions” with me because I am actually way better today, he just wants me to feel it and know it 110%!
Dallins therapy sessions have actually worked. I used to carry HATE! in my heart. But that is terrible to harbor. Dallin has compared it to drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. So I decided to forgive.
So after being 12 years removed from certain events why do I feel like I am reliving it whenever it gets revisited? maybe something a real therapist could help me with?
My past isn’t all bad, it’s actually quite great! Just about a month of it I wish I could blot out lol I accomplished so much, made the best of friends .
I shared in my stories my favorite story that my first relationship/real kiss the guy said I kissed like a BIRD – which I love because my new last name is Bird:)
I only had one boyfriend in my high school and I remember when we broke up his mom brought me roses and his little sister brought me dr pepper lipsmakers 🙂
Before I graduated, I had stopped writing both the missionaries I had been writing and decided to kiss some of the guys in my class because I didn’t want to graduate with regrets lol
As soon as I graduate I get my wisdom teeth taken out and my doorbell rings. And it was all my most recent missionaries luggage. We were all in a panic. And I had to grow up REAL FAST! And if you know me that’s really hard for me. Songs that helped me through this time were “big girls dont cry” by Fergie and “Never Grow UP” by Taylor Swift
For the first time in my life I wasn’t in a good spot with my parents and that crushed me.
I go live with my sweet sisters and work for one of my brother in-laws. I get settled and get a job at the mall. I’m throwing bday parties for my nieces, helping them move into their new home and I’m dating. The first guy I dated was a pizza boy named Joey lol that the first time he took me out both my brother in-laws followed us and ate at a different table. He never knew they were there, but I did and I loved it!!!!
I start hanging out with friends I had made at EFY years prior. They took me boating with them, church, parties etc. I loved my life!!!
Then my missionary surprised me, came to California and wanted to marry me. I declined. My sisters played councilor with us and we came to the conclusion we were clearly not in the same spot. He went to the movies came back under the influence (or at least he claims) and that was his final act/attempt to guilt me into being his wife.
It didn’t work and I went BATSH*T! In the middle of the night I made him pack up his things, I took my sisters brand new Tahoe and I dropped him off at the airport. He didn’t have a ticket and I told him to figure it out and to never talk to me again. I didn’t see him until 11 years later. And when I saw him I had zero feelings bad or good, it was like talking to a stranger on an elevator.
I went back to my sisters home, all I could think about was how I now probably can’t go to BYU, I am going to lose my scholarship and now I won’t be able to afford going anywhere else. I go into my sisters pantry drink an entire bottle of vinegar in hopes to shrivel up and die.
It thankfully didn’t work. And my amazing family helped me, I called my bishop and everything thankfully was ok and life was good.
It seems so stupid and silly now that I think about it, and for the first time in my life this is my first time writing it all out.
I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own, -Kesha
Being able to write it out and see it for what it actually is, in a strange way is helping me. I can’t believe I’ve let this event have so much power over me.
So back to pre Dallin. I started dating immediately but this time I was v! safe, I never had boys pick me up I met them everywhere, it was a control thing. If I wanted to leave I knew at anytime I could jump in my car and leave. I dated an amazing guy from my childhood and my moms friend had heard rumors that he had marriage thoughts. I hadn’t even kissed him and my mom kept telling me that if I can’t kiss him then I need to break up with him and let him move on. So I did kiss him and then I broke up with him right after because my mom was right I needed to be WILD about someone. Even though he was so sweet to me.
So when Dallin asked me out on our first date , he asked me to go with him to Lake Powell for a few days. I was in a panic. I asked many times “you’re not planning on taking advantage of me, are you” in a serious but trying to be funny way. He told me to invite my girlfriends if that would make it more comfortable. Non of them could go. We don’t board the house boat until the morning and its about 3 am when we show up to our hotel and there is only one bed. I asked if this was intentional half joking. Dallin was like I’ll make a pillow wall if that makes you feel more comfortable, he did. All it took was our toes touching and it was like electricity! I was all about it. Thats when he threw me off and said “I’m a good guy” and that right there was the first time I felt that I was ok with my sexuality again. I had been suppressing it and with Dallin I felt both wild and safe.
Life was good and I was doing great, until I needed to plan for my wedding. I wanted to elope bc I didn’t want to see people from my past and I had anxiety about what they might think of me.
I am so grateful to have a husband who has always loved me despite my quirks and who has sincerely! wanted me to feel peace.
I am writing this today for myself because I need to conquer this and to move on from it, for GOOD! And for the first time in my life I feel like I can.
Now let’s get back to SPRING BREAK!!!!!