Addressing the “elephant” in the room
I never thought I would be typing this and that I would tell anyone besides my dr., let alone my blog readers.
The truth is the health of the mother has been at risk. I have been sick! Physically, even emotionally.
I have never been so sick in my life. I hate writing this out, believe you me, I try to make this space a positive one (which is probably why I haven’t been on here in weeks!) I’ve said it before that I’ve been sick! I guess not a lot of people believed me.
I think about food all day! Think about what foods I haven’t thrown up yet? What food can I keep down? What food will make me black out? It’s happened 3! times now. Its starts with a migraine then my left arm and hand goes completely numb. It’s happened with syrup, a lemon bar, and today when I had a protein shake. I literally told my husband maybe it’d be better for me to be on an IV and to get my calories that way?
In just 3 days I’ll be 14 weeks pregnant and in my 4th month of my 5th pregnancy!!!!
A couple of weeks ago I was in a bad place. I talked to my dr. about putting me on an anti-depressant because I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it another day in this pregnancy while raising 4 other very small needy children. I felt trapped. Anxious. Anxious about being sick when I didn’t eat, or if I did eat and mostly anxious about adding another huge responsibility to my life! I was already drowning before this.
I didn’t go into this prepared or wanting all these big changes to happen in my life. This is my first unplanned pregnancy and I’m trying to accommodate to it, 4 was my number but I guess I get a bonus. My best example is imagine you graduated college and then you were forced to go back and get a masters when you were comfortable with a bachelors. I feel like this has all just been sprung on me, mix these emotions with having to change drs and hospitals and a December birthday baby. I have just been questioning the “why” in it all. And so I was prescribed Cylista.
I have never taken an antidepressant so I googled it and saw a huge warning about the possibility of birth defects. So I never took it. And just dealt with my constant feelings of inadequacy, flu-like symptoms and overall blues. But those feelings are going away, starting with when I got an email telling me I was now in my 2nd trimester. I saw a light and I knew I was going to be ok.
For all of you who’ve reached out, thank you.
I am excited for what the future has in store and to see our baby on Monday. Were going to be taking a peek at baby’s gender and I cannot even wait!!!!!
If you ever feel low or blue, talk to someone and know you are not alone. Life is a rollercoaster. And we are all going through different things. And sometimes its hard to see the “light” “reward” in the hard parts but I promise if I can get through this first trimester I know you too can get through hard things too.